She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
The Olympian is in my bed
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
