I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
