I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My feelings for him are donzo molonzo but I can't turn down a pierced penis...
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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