The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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