I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
it's like heaven, but drunker
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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