OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
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