1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
