You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
