I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
