Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
