my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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