I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
