a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
