im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
