I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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