this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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