I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
