Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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