Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
