I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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