Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
