I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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