Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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