I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
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