so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
