he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
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