It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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