i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
