she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
