it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
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