My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
