my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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