You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
