she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
