I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Randomize
