This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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