I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
