Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
