you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Randomize
