I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
