i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
