Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
