I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
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