I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Randomize
