I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Randomize
