I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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