your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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