when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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