I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Randomize
