I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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